Doughnuts with Bob Marley

The humble doughnut, a delicious treat that comes in all variety of shapes and flavours, from ring doughnut to not ring doughnut, chocolate to not chocolate. Previously the preserve of the supermarket bakery aisle, it’s enjoyed a renaissance in recent years, starting with the rise of Krispy Kreme, and more recently with higher-end doughnut establishments such as Crosstown, Doughnut Time and Bread Ahead. Everybody loves a doughnut, and today I would be sampling some of the finest on offer, hoping to solve the age-old question of ‘which is my favourite doughnut?’.

 

My companion today is global superstar musician, Bob Marley. A pioneer of reggae music who was posthumously inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1994, the influential music journalism site Answers.com estimates his record sales to be ‘as high as 300 million and in all likelihood not under 150-200 million’. Despite this, my primary motivation for inviting him today is that there’s also a very famous joke relating to how he likes his doughnuts that I hope to capitalise on, to the mirth of up to 300 million people, but in all likelihood not under 150-200 million.

 

I meet Bob on Shaftesbury Avenue, home to one of the many Doughnut Times, a recent import to the UK from Australia. “Hi Bob,” I say.

 

“Hi Andy,” he says. “I’m excited to be here. I love doughnuts.”

 

“I bet you do,” I say. This is going to be so worth it.

 

Doughnut Time has some of the fancier doughnuts that there are to offer. Big, showpiece doughnuts that scream ‘share this image with your friends to remind them that ultimately we are all mortal and something that may or may not be this doughnut will certainly end our existence, for we are all at the mercy of the grim reaper’s wicked game’. You have doughnuts like the ‘Stranger Rings’, a chocolate-glazed doughnut topped with Oreo crumbs, Nutella and glitter, the ‘Robert De N’Oreo’, a doughnut filled with a white chocolate New York cheesecake filling, topped with a brown butter glaze, Oreo crumb, white chocolate and mini Oreo cookies, and the ‘Bueno Mars’, a hazelnut cream-filled doughnut with a chocolate glaze, topped with pieces of Kinder Bueno.

 

“Are you ready to order?” I say to Bob, excitedly.

 

“Yes, all good here,” Says Bob. I can barely contain my excitement.

 

“I’ll have the Robert De N’Oreo,” I say, and then I perfectly tee up the hilarity. “And Bob, how do you like your doughnuts?”

 

“I’ll have the ‘David Hassel-Biscoff’ please,” says Bob.

 

“Hold on, what?”

 

“It looks good doesn’t it!” Says Bob.

 

“Sorry, we’re going to need a minute,” I say to the assistant as I take Bob to one side. “What the hell are you doing?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“It’s just… how do you feel about the jam doughnut? That looks tasty doesn’t it? Mmm… we all love jam. You should go for that one.”

 

“I’d like to try the Biscoff one, why don’t you go for the jam one though?”

 

I sigh to myself. It’s certainly frustrating, but there are a few more doughnut shops to try yet so I guess I can let him have this one. I purchase the doughnuts and we tuck in. The Robert De N’Oreo is delicious. Densely packed with vanilla cheesecake filling that’s both creamy and flavoursome, the Oreo crumb top works wonderfully with it, adding the necessary biscuity element of the cheesecake. Bob’s ‘David Hassel-Biscoff’ meanwhile is also very nice. Lotus Biscoff has become incredibly popular over the last few years, particularly in the spreadable form that it comes in in supermarkets, and here it works well in doughnut form too. It’s a good start to our review, albeit not the one I’d hoped for.

doughnut-time-robert-de-noreo-1.jpg
Doughnut Time’s ‘Robert De N’Oreo’ doughnut.

We begin the walk up Shaftesbury Avenue into Soho, where we’ll find the next of our stops.

 

“So, Andy, you’re a big reggae fan I’m guessing?” Says Bob.

 

“Oh, err… yes, perhaps,” I say, awkwardly. Truth be told I’m not. I’m not really very big on music generally. I’m the kind of person who when you ask them what music they listen to they say ‘all sorts really’, but what I actually mean is I listen to the same 4 Lady Gaga songs on repeat, yet somehow still don’t know any of the words.

 

“Who’s your favourite reggae artist apart from me?”

 

“Oh look, here we are!” I say, as we approach Crosstown Doughnuts just off Wardour Street. Thank goodness. I didn’t fancy having to chance whether Lady Gaga had produced a reggae album.

 

Crosstown Doughnuts has really taken off over the last two years, going from being sold from small independent coffee shops and market stores, to now having 7 stores around London and being stocked in places like Selfridges and Whole Foods. Their doughnuts are more classic looking, but still big on flavours.

 

“Wow, look at those jam ones! They look even more delicious than the last lot!” I say. “Maybe one of us should get one of those.”

 

“Oh wow, yes they do! Ok, let’s definitely get one of them,” says Bob. Here we go!

 

“Can I help you gentlemen?” Says the shop assistant. Before I’m able to speak, Bob interjects.

 

“Yes, I’ll have the chocolate truffle,” says Bob. “Andy?”

 

I stare at Bob in silent fury. “But Bob, I was going to go for the chocolate truffle,” I say through gritted teeth. “I thought we agreed that one of us was going to get the jam one though?”

 

“Oh, I just assumed it would be you as you seemed so keen on them.”

 

I put my head in my hands. “Bob, do you not like doughnuts that contain jam? Are they not your preference?”

 

“I fancied a chocolate truffle.”

 

“Just take one more look, ok? Make sure you definitely don’t fancy the jam doughnut.”

 

“Ok, fine,” says Bob. He browses the doughnuts again. “Ok, you’re right, I’ve changed my mind.”

 

“Amazing!” I say, excitedly. “Bob, how do you like your doughnuts?”

 

“I’ll have the caramel banana cream, please.”

 

“Bob, for the love of god!”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re meant to go for the jam one and say wi’ jam in’! Why are you ruining this?”

 

“Hold on, is that why you’ve invited me?” Says Bob. “Do you even like reggae?”

 

“Of course I like reggae…”

 

“Who’s your favourite artist?”

 

“Bob Marley.”

 

“Apart from me.”

 

I’m just going to have to hazard a guess here, then a name suddenly springs from nowhere that seems familiar. “Jacob Marley?”

 

“Your favourite reggae artist is the ghost from A Christmas Carol?

 

“Yes,” I say shamefully as I stare down at my feet. I’d forgotten that was where he was from. “I like how he rattles his chains,” I add, to compound my own stupidity.

Crosstown Coffee and Chocolate
The Crosstown ‘Single Origin Coffee & Chocolate’ doughnut.

“It’s fine,” says Bob, with a kind smile that makes you feel like maybe we can all get together and feel alright. “I get this all the time. Besides, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t here for the same reason.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I’ve been trying to make you say your catchphrase all day.”

 

“My catchphrase? What’s my catchphrase?

 

“You know… ‘my dreams are dead and this blog is all I have left’.”

 

“Oh my god, you think that’s my catchphrase?”

 

“You say it all the time!”

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever said it! And how the hell are you expecting me to use it in the context of ordering a doughnut?”

 

“I get that it’s going to be difficult, but I think it’s possible.”

 

“Ok, this is ridiculous, we need to stop trying to get each other to say things and just focus on reviewing doughnuts. Agreed?” I say.

 

“Ok, agreed,” says Bob. We both nod at each other as we tuck into our Crosstown Doughnuts, Bob with his caramel banana cream and me opting for the coffee and chocolate doughnut. My coffee and chocolate doughnut is ok, but not quite as flavoursome as I’d hoped. I’ve definitely had a lot better doughnuts from Crosstown in the past, but I’m sure my disappointment at this will all be forgotten when I finally make Bob admit he likes his doughnuts with jam in.

 

We move onwards to our next doughnut shop, Bread Ahead. Bread Ahead is a more traditional doughnut shop with more classic flavours like chocolate, praline, and most importantly, jam. Whilst their doughnuts are still fairly Instagram-friendly, more than anything they’re notorious for being excellent doughnuts.

 

Before we reach the shop, I have a bright idea. “You know what would go perfectly with our doughnuts? Coffee. Why don’t you grab us a couple of coffees?” I say, as we reach Soho Grind, just next door to Bread Ahead.

 

“Ok cool, I’ll be right back then,” says Bob, as he heads into the shop. I wait outside, and then when his back is turned I dash along to Bread Ahead just next door.

 

“Hi, I need you to do me a favour,” I say. “Myself and the ghost of Bob Marley are going to come in here in a minute-“

 

“Ok…”

 

“Just go with it. Myself and the ghost of Bob Marley are going to come in here and I need him to buy a doughnut with jam in. Would it be possible for you to hide all of your other doughnuts so he has no other option?”

 

“No.”

 

“Ok, fine, what if I were to buy all of the other doughnuts?”

 

“You want to buy a hundred doughnuts?”

 

“It’s for a very funny joke.”

 

“What’s the joke?”

 

“I ask Bob how he likes his doughnuts, and he says wi’ jam in’!”

 

The cashier sighs deeply. “You really think that’s worth it?”

 

“I will take all of the doughnuts.”

 

***

 

“Here’s your coffee,” says Bob, emerging from Soho Grind with a couple of coffee cups. “Shall we?”

 

“Yes, of course,” I say, excitedly, as we walk a couple of doors along to Bread Ahead.

Bread Ahead Eton Mess
Bread Ahead’s ‘Eton Mess’ doughnut.

 

“Oh Christ, here we go…” I hear the cashier mumble under their breath as myself and Bob enter the shop.

 

“Oh, hello, we’re here to get some of your finest doughnuts,” I say, with a wink. “Oh goodness, it looks like you’re nearly all sold out. Am I right in thinking you only have the jam ones left?”

 

“Yes, sir, we only have the jam ones left,” says the cashier in a monotone voice.

 

“Oh well! I guess there’s no other option then. Bob, how would you like your doughnut?”

 

“In that case, I might just get a focaccia instead then,”

 

“Oh for god’s sake!” I say, angrily. “I spent three hundred pounds on this!”

 

“Are you still trying to get me to say my line? Why do you care so much?”

 

“Because my dreams are dead and this blog is all I have left!” I say.

 

“There it is!” Says Bob.
“Oh my god, it is my catchphrase!” I sigh, as I put my head in my hands. I console myself by tucking into one of the hundred doughnuts I’ve bought, an Eton Mess flavoured one that’s simply tremendous.

 

“It’s ok, Andy, we’ve all been there,” says Bob, patting me on the shoulder.

 

“You worked for Bing as well?”

 

“I mean, obviously not that,” says Bob. “You know what might help you?”

 

“What?”

 

“If maybe we got a couple of jam doughnuts.”

 

“Really?!” I say, excitedly. Bob smiles and nods.

 

“Excuse me, two doughnuts please! A jam one for me, and Bob, how do you like your doughnuts?”

 

“I’ll have a jam flavoured doughnut as well, please,” says Bob, stabbing me in the back again.

 

“Why Bob?!”

 

“I’m not a joke, Andy.”

 

“My dreams are dead and this blog is all I have left,” I sigh. Overall…

 

Doughnut time ‘Robert De N’Oreo’ – 9/10 – Pricey, but unique and delicious.

Crosstown ‘Single Origin Coffee & Chocolate’ – 6/10 – Surprisingly underwhelming.

Bread Ahead ‘Eton Mess’ – 9/10 – A relatively simple but superbly made doughnut.

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Bancone with Leonardo da Vinci

Pasta has always been a favourite of mine. I’ve always said that if I could only eat one cuisine for the rest of my life it would be World Buffet, but my second choice would definitely be Italian, so I’m excited to visit Bancone. Having opened near Charing Cross station in 2017, it’s joined a range of great Italian restaurants in London including Padella, Lina Stores and Via Emilia in providing high-quality, freshly made pasta at reasonable prices, earning itself rave reviews from respected food reviewers including The Guardian, The Evening Standard, and if they’re lucky, my self-published WordPress blog that receives up to 50 page views a month.

 

Today I’ll be dining with Leonardo da Vinci. Painter, inventor, architect, raconteur and hopefully lover of pasta, Leonardo was ahead of his time, coming up with early concepts for devices such as helicopters, tanks, calculators and solar power. He’s one of the earliest examples of what’s come to be known as a ‘renaissance man’, somebody defined by their desire to embrace knowledge and develop their own capacities as fully as possible. In that respect we’re not so different, Leonardo and I. He, unquenchable in his thirst for knowledge, reflected in the legacy he has left within arts and science, and me, being borderline sarcastically praised by a cartoon owl for completing a two-day streak on Duolingo. We’re one and the same.

 

I sit at the counter and await Leonardo. Counter dining is always a nice experience. You can sit by yourself and not have to feel self-conscious about being alone. You could be with clowns to the left of you, or jokers to the right, but here you are, stuck in the middle with your own morbid and self-destructive thoughts. Bancone’s counter-dining situation is pleasant. Often counter-dining can be a fast track to staring at a bottle of Bailey’s for an hour or two, but here I’m practically sat in the kitchen, to the extent I’d almost want to ask if I can do anything to help, were I not to cooking what Norovirus is to a day at Thorpe Park.

 

I’m snapped out of my thoughts by a flash of blinding blue light as a portal opens in the centre of the restaurant, and out steps Leonardo da Vinci.

 

“Ciao, Andy!” Says Leonardo, as he enthusiastically hugs me. He is dressed in a three-quarter length red metallic coat, sunglasses, and what appear to be hover boots.

 

“What was that?” I say, as the portal closes behind him.

 

“Time travel, I invented it recently. I’ve just now got back from the year 3000.”

 

“Oh, has not much changed but they live underwater?” I say, jokingly.

 

“It’s all changed, Andy. It’s all changed,” says Leonardo. “The sun is no more, water and any other kind of natural resources ran out a long, long time ago. Now it’s just a never-ending free-for-all where people drink the blood of their enemies from their skulls, and the only source of heat is their burning flesh, piled high, corpse upon corpse.”

 

“Oh… err… that doesn’t sound great.”

 

“Oh, I did see your great-great-great-granddaughter though!”

 

“Oh, that’s nice! How was she?”

 

“She was throwing an old man onto a burning flesh pile.”

 

“Maybe let’s just not talk about the future anymore.”

 

Burrata
The Burrata.

“Ok. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to use the bathroom,” says Leonardo as he disappears up the stairs. I flag the waiter down.

 

“Ok, so we’d like to start with the burrata, then let’s go for the silk handkerchiefs, the cacio e pepe, the morel ravioli and then maybe the strozzapr-”

 

I’m interrupted as there’s a blinding flash of red light, and another portal opens in the centre of the restaurant. Through this portal shuffles a man, maybe 60 to 70 years old. He is tall but apologetically so, hunching over like a troll poised to offer a riddle. His skin is pale to the point where you can nearly see through it, and his body is slim, with long and wiry arms that are clearly too long for the poorly-fitting shirt he’s wearing that he’s forgotten to take the price tag off. All in all, he looks like a less well-dressed Slenderman.

 

“Who the hell are you?” I ask.

 

“Andy, I’m you,” says the figure. “I’m here from the future.”

 

“Me? How do I know you’re telling the truth?”

 

“Ask me a question, something that only you and I could know the answer to.”

 

“Ok, what’s our biggest fear?”

 

“Oh wow, where to start? There’s spiders, obviously. People thinking you’re boring, people thinking you’re stupid, everybody secretly hating you, giant squid, people asking what you got up to at the weekend and you having to find new creative ways to say ‘I sat and stared into space for 48 hours, wastefully running down the clock to my own demise and achieving nothing’…”

 

“I tend to go with ‘it was just a fairly chilled one’.”

 

“… then there’s not achieving your potential, testing your potential and realising you never actually had any, being called out to a house in the middle of nowhere, getting locked in and realising it’s full of zombies – that one’s very specific, I guess Resident Evil had more of an effect on us than we realised – there’s expressing your emotions, scorpions, the Scorpion King, scarab beetles – there’s a lot from The Mummy Returns here – sand clouds with faces in-”

 

“Ok, you’ve proven your point! But why are you here?”

 

“I need you to kill Leonardo da Vinci.”

 

“What?!”

 

“I’ve just come from the year 3000. Things are not good and it’s all Leonardo’s fault. Did he tell you that he stole the sun?”

 

“No, he just said it was gone. Why would he steal it?”

 

“For one of his inventions. You know the Dyson Airblade? It’s like that, but it dries your hands quicker by directing harnessing the power of the sun.”

 

“That seems wasteful.”

 

“To be fair, it really does dry your hands quickly, but it’s turned the world into a lawless dystopia, full of misery and death. Oh, I’ll tell you who I did see though!”

 

“Oh god, it’s not-“

 

“Our great-great-great-granddaughter!”

 

“Dare I ask how she was?”

 

“She was gorging herself on a severed leg.”

 

“I shouldn’t have asked.”

 

cacio-e-pepe.jpg
Cacio e pepe.

“Now that he’s come back to the year 2019, if we kill him now we can prevent any of this from happening, so you just distract him with your food review? I’ll hide somewhere around here and jump out and kill him, alright?”

 

“But I-“

 

“You won’t even know I’m here until I leap out and bludgeon him to death,” says future Andy, as he takes up a seat at a nearby table, puts on a baseball cap and shades and opens a huge newspaper. Shortly afterwards, Leonardo returns from the bathroom.

 

“My hands are sopping wet! Honestly, just you wait until you see what we have lined up in the future!” Says Leonardo with a wink. “Have you ordered?”

 

“Yes, I have,” I say, sheepishly, as Leonardo takes a seat, just in time for the food to begin arriving. We begin with the burrata and the silk handkerchiefs. The burrata is served with puffed rice on a plate smeared with balsamic vinegar. It’s wonderfully wobbly and creamy and the puffed rice adds a lovely crunch to the dish, the two opposing elements coming together fantastically. It’s overshadowed however by the silk handkerchiefs. Thankfully not actual fabric, these are thick squares of pasta folded in on themselves, slathered in walnut butter, crushed walnuts and topped with a confit egg yolk. Stirring in the yolk results in a sauce so rich it’s probably evading tax. It’s spectacular, and worth coming to the restaurant for by itself. I momentarily lose myself in it as I forget what lies ahead.

 

“So Andy, anything interesting going on?”

 

“No, not really,” I say, anxiously. “I saw a cat that looked like a snow leopard the other day.” The waiter returns with our cacio e pepe, morel ravioli and strozzapreti. I look over his shoulder and notice future Andy get up and start slowly creeping towards us.

 

“So nothing out of the ordinary?”

 

“…Yes,” I say, as I go to pass Leonardo the cacio e pepe. As I do, future Andy grabs a pepper mill and swings it towards Leonardo. Before it connects though, Leonardo spins around and zaps him with a bolt from his glove, freezing him in place.

 

“I KNEW IT!” Says Leonardo. “You brought me here to kill me, didn’t you?”

 

“What? No! I brought you here to help me review pasta!”

 

“Then explain this!” Says Leonardo, pointing to the frozen, older version of myself looming aggressively over him with a pepper mill and murder in his eyes.

 

“Ok, well that’s kind of hard to explain, but it’s actually quite funn-“

 

There’s another flash of light, and I find me (cacio e pepe still in hand), and my future self stood in a cold and dark wasteland.

 

Silk handkerchiefs
The ‘Silk Handkerchiefs’.

“Welcome to the year 3000,” says Leonardo, emerging from the darkness with a pistol in hand.

 

“What? Why are we here?”

 

“To show you what you’d be missing,” says Leonardo. He picks up a bucket of water and throws it all over my hands, soaking them in the process and ruining the cacio e pepe.

 

“Hey! It’s freezing out here, I’ll get chapped hands!”

 

“Will you?” Says Leonardo. He gestures to a wall, onto which a small device is mounted. I warily plunge my hands into the slot. There’s a loud whirring sound and I immediately withdraw them in panic, only to find my hands completely bone dry.

 

“What the-“

 

“A Dyson Airblade takes a minimum of 10 seconds to just get your hands damp, all the while whirring them about in the dregs of everybody else’s hand gunk. I’ve cut that time down to less than a fraction of a second. And this is just the beginning! There are so many stars across the galaxy, think of what else we can achieve! Ovens that pre-heat in seconds! Toasters that don’t require a defrost button! Grills that cook all four sides at once!”

 

“But do we not need the sun for… you know… everything?”

 

“Urgh, you’re all the same. ‘We need the sun’, ‘we can’t grow our crops without the sun’, ‘my whole family fell into a ravine because they couldn’t see where they were going’. Do you know how long it takes to dry your hands naturally in the sun?”

 

“About two minutes?”

 

“Two minutes! That’s twelve times as long as the Airblade, so don’t you tell me the sun is worth keeping!”

 

“Why are you so obsessed with dry hands?”

 

Leonardo fixes me with a stare. “The year was 1498…” he says, and with a click of his fingers he transports us back to 15th century Florence. “I had just completed painting The Last Supper, and was at the peak of my powers. Today was the day when I would be revealing it to the world,” he continues, as he leads us to a town square where there is a crowd gathered, and a man who I assume must be the mayor stands on stage, alongside a curtain-covered easel. “But all did not go to plan.”

 

“Ladies and gentleman, Leonardo!” Says the mayor. The crowd all begin to applaud as a young Leonardo walks onto the stage excitedly. He walks over to the mayor and shakes his hand.

 

“Urgh, your hand, it is so moist!” Says the mayor, grimacing. “Leonardo da Vinci, more like Leonardo da wet hands!” Says the mayor. The entire crowd laughs uproariously, as the Mayor mimics going to shake Leonardo’s hand only to topple backwards.

 

“Wet hands! Wet hands! Wet hands!” Chant the crowd.

 

“I’m sorry, I just washed my hands!” Shouts Leonardo. “Do you not want to see my painting?” He continues, struggling to make himself heard about the noise. It is futile, the crowd continues to chant and perform slapstick gestures relating to wet hands, until Leonardo is forced to slink off stage in shame, his painting remaining fully covered.

 

morel-and-ricotta-ravioli.jpg
The Morel and Ricotta Ravioli

“I was forever known as Leonardo da wet hands after that day. After all I’d done for civilisation, to be entirely defined by having wet hands ONE TIME!” Says Leonardo. “Everything I did since that day was designed to solve the problem of wet hands. The helicopter? A large fan to dry your hands. The parachute? A way to use wind resistance to dry your hands. The Mona Lisa? A woman showing off her hands, freshly helicopter-dried after a dip in the lake.”

 

“You’re insane,” says Future Andy.

 

“Insane?! You think this is insane?!”

 

“Well, I mean… you’ve destroyed the planet to make a single hand-dryer, so…”

 

“It doesn’t matter,” says Leonardo, as he shoots a flare gun into the sky. “Farewell, Andy.” There is a howling, shrieking noise in the darkness as the hordes of scavengers are alerted to our position. Weirdly, my first thought isn’t about my impending death, it’s actually about how hungry I am considering we paid around £30 per head for our meal, excluding drinks. The pasta dishes were not huge, and so whilst the restaurant does bill itself on being very reasonably priced, the price can quickly rack up as you do need to order a fair amount of food. It’s a frustrating last thought to have, but then it reminds me, we do have one course remaining.

 

“Wait!” I shout, as Leonardo reaches for his time-travelling glove.

 

“What now?” Sighs Leonardo. I quickly grab the soaked cacio e pepe from the floor and throw it at Leonardo, striking him in the face with the plate. It’s a remarkably violent scene that would cause the blog to be rated at least a 15, were there any point to classifying a piece of work that would likely never be seen (if a food blog falls in the forest, does it make a piercing, self-indulgent sound?). Leonardo falls to the ground, as Future Andy goes and tears the glove from his hand. He grabs me and we start to teleport out of there.

 

“Cacio on the flip side!” I say, and immediately regret it. Like, there’s a little bit of me that’s kind of proud, but mostly I feel the same kind of sad cringe I feel whenever I decide to click on the ‘Memories’ section of Facebook.

 

“You haven’t seen the last of Leonardo da Vinci!” Shouts Leonardo, as the hordes begin to emerge from the darkness. A young woman leaps upon him, sinking her teeth into his neck and pulling his arm from its socket as we disappear back into the past.

 

“That woman looked familiar, was she…”

 

“Just… don’t even ask, ok?”

 

Overall, I have to say…

 

8/10 – Tasty food but pricier than you expected.

Cakes & Bubbles with Marie Antoinette

Cakes And Bubbles

I find myself sat alone, drinking champagne in the window of a fancy hotel in Piccadilly Circus. Outside, people stop and peer through the window. I give them a half-wave as if to say ‘yes, it is me, the man who coaxes the dead back from the grave for potato dauphinoise’, but realistically I know they have no idea who I am, and why would they? Six blog entries in and my flat remains distinctly Oscar-free. There are those who would say ‘why would you have an Oscar? You know that just celebrates the film industry don’t you?’ or ‘seriously, have you even looked at the categories? Have you researched this at all?’, to which I would say ‘please, stop shattering my dreams’.

I think everybody suffers from self-doubt from time to time, the feeling of not being good enough, of being a fraud, of not being qualified to lead a space mission but you joked to a guy at a party that you were an astronaut and he thought you were being serious and things kind of snowballed from there and now you’re going on a solo mission to Mars that’s clearly going to be a disaster as you don’t even know how to open the bonnet of a car let alone pilot a multi-billion dollar spaceship but you don’t want to say anything because the nice old Commander in the hat called you ‘sport’ and you don’t want to let him down even though he’s pretty old and senile now and you kind of suspect he may have been one of the racist characters from Hidden Figures. We’ve all been there. Right now my self-worth and motivation is through the floor. The blog has not been the success I had once hoped. Every day my editor calls to angrily bark down the phone at me. Perhaps hiring a dog editor is part of the problem, but right now I need a win, a blog that rekindles my self-confidence and gives me back my belief in the importance of food reviewing. Hopefully this shall be that win.

Today I’ll be dining at Cakes & Bubbles. A recent opening within the Hotel Café Royal on Regent Street, it’s the first UK addition to the restaurant empire of Albert Adria. One of the creative forces behind elBulli, a five-time winner of the World’s Best Restaurant, Albert is also a former winner of the World’s Best Pastry Chef, so this restaurant, a dessert-themed café and bar, comes with high expectations.

My guest today is famed for her love of cake. Hated by the French population for her lavish spending in a time of financial ruin, she was famous for her utterance of ‘let them eat cake’ in response to learning that the peasants had no bread to eat, a phrase so markedly out of touch that it could have come from Iain Duncan Smith circa 2011 (#satire #lol #whatamIlike). There’s some historical debate as to whether she actually said it or not, but from there the rest is history, and she was later executed for high treason by French revolutionaries. I’m intrigued to see how she reflects on this now, and whether she feels any remorse for her actions, as Iain Duncan Smith should for his actions circa 1954-Present (#truthbombs #haveIdonethisalready?). My answer comes as the door swings open, and there she is.

Chocolate Cork
The Chocolate Cork.

“Let them eat caaaaaaaaaaaake!” Shouts Marie Antoinette, excitedly, as she waltzes in. “Take this,” she says, as she throws her coat at a member of staff and heads to my table.

“Hello, good to meet y-”

She clicks her fingers at a passing waiter. “Waiter, your finest champagne, and hurry up” she says, brusquely, as she takes a seat.

“So, thankyou for joining me tod-”

“So, you review food?” Says Marie, interrupting. “What sort of career is that?”

“Well, it’s not actually my career, I just do this as a hobby.”

“So an amateur food critic?”

“Well, yes, for now, but Oscar season is approaching and-”

“I’ll be honest with you, I’ve read some of your work. You don’t seem to have the first idea how to describe food. Some of your descriptions are vague at best, and completely confusing at worst.”

“What are you talking about?” I say, as I have another sip of my champagne. It’s jam-packed with bubbles, like a diver with the bends, whilst the palate is surprisingly rich and buttery, like an Undercover Boss in a dairy farm accident.

“You’re wasting your time pursuing this, you need to give up,” says Marie.

“What? But I-“

“No more reviews,” she says, as she grabs my pen. The next moments pass in slow motion as she snaps it in half and I watch it fall to the floor.

“My pen!” I scream.

“You’ll thank me later,” she says. “Waiter, we’re ready to order now,” she continues, as she dings a glass with her spoon to summon the waiter. I’m stunned, but maybe she’s right. After all, if you haven’t succeeded after six barely publicised WordPress blogs posted at irregular intervals over the course of the last 10 months, then maybe you never will. In some ways I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders, the pressure to heal the divisions of the world through describing spinach is gone. The world doesn’t need food reviewers, let alone one such as myself. I put my notepad back in my bag and allow the dream to quietly die.

carrot-cake.jpg
The Carrot Cake.

“What can I get for you?” Says the waiter.

“We’ll have everything,” says Marie.

“One of everything, a great choice.”

“No, I mean we’ll take everything. I want all of it.”

“Madam, I would recommend maybe five to six dishes in total to share or else-“

“I said we’ll take everything,” says Marie, closing her menu and thrusting it into the chest of the waiter. “Chop chop!”

“Everything? Isn’t that a bit much?”

“You’re with royalty now!” She says. Shortly afterwards the dishes begin to arrive. We’re quickly surrounded by tray after tray stacked high with chocolate corks, eclairs, ‘After Eight’ marshmallows and the restaurant’s fabled cheesecake. Everybody is staring at us as we become citizens of our own personal pastry metropolis. I take a bite of the chocolate cork. It’s- No, my reviewing days are done now, I simply sit and enjoy the food. I’m at peace, relaxed and free of obligation, until I hear a noise from next to me.

“What do you mean you’re out of cake?!” Says a nearby diner, angrily.

“I’m sorry, madam, that lady over there bought everything,” says the waiter, apologetically.

“We came here to try your cake!” Says another diner, standing up. “Now you’re telling us that she has all of it? She’s never going to eat that much!”

“Perhaps she’d be willing to share with us?” Says another voice, providing a reasonable tone to the debate. “Excuse me, madam, would you allow us to share some of your cake?”

“Madam?” Says Marie, annoyed. “Peasant, you will address me as Your Majesty or you will not address me at all!”

“Who the hell are you?” Says another. By this point the whole restaurant is on its feet and surrounding our table. My sense of tranquillity is somewhat shattered by this.

“My name is Queen Mary Antoinette and I am your superior!”

“I think we should let them have some of our cake,” I whisper, trying to defuse the situation. “To quote somebody I once met, ‘let them eat cake’,” I say with a smile.

“Who was that?”

“It was you.”

“I never said that!”

“What did you say?”

“I said f**k the peasants let them all die.”

“You know you really should meet Iain Duncan Smith, you two would have a lot to chat abou- you know what, now’s not the time.” (#oncetwicethreetimesasatirist) “Look, we have way too much here, there’s plenty for all of us.”

“Over my dead body! Guards, detain these peasants immediately!” Shouts Marie. There is baffled silence. “Guards! Guards! … Guards?” There is no response. I didn’t invite any guards as they weren’t celebrities.

“Get her!” Shouts the crowd. They surround her and grab her.

“Let me go at once!” Shouts Marie. “This is treason!”

“Off with her head!” Shouts one member of the public, escalating things a lot quicker than I’d thought, as they throw her down over a counter. I stand, stunned and helpless. What am I to do with an angry mob who have been driven rabid by their desire to experience cake? Then I’m struck by an idea.

Cheesecake
The restaurant’s famous Cheesecake.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Stop this nonsense!” I say, as I take a stand upon a table. The crowd turn to face me as I grab a cheesecake from one of our trays and begin to devour it. “The cheesecake is a delight, a delicious trick of the mind that encases all of the sweet flavour of white chocolate with all of the savoury flavour of cheese in a confusingly tasty cheese-disguised package, leaving you questioning what exactly it is that you’re enjoying,” I say.

“What the- what is this?” Says a crowd member, confused. I grab a chocolate cork and consume it whole.

“The chocolate cork is not a cork at all, but a perfect mix of chocolate and coffee fondant all rolled within a delightfully light chocolate sponge!”

“Oh my god, I can taste it… but I’m not tasting it,” says a confused member of the mob, holding their temples. “What is this witchcraft?”

“The chocolate éclair with peanut praline is like the finest Snickers you’ve ever eaten, combining a lovely mix of textures from smooth chocolate to crunchy peanut in one tasty tube,” I shout. The mob unhand Marie as their rage is soothed by an emotional taste sensation. I watch as they all calmly take their seats and focus on me.

“Tell us tales of the carrot cake,” says one. I grab a carrot cake from my tray.

“The carrot cake has a sponge so delicate that it’s hard to believe they’ve managed to condense so much flavour into it, and like a bagel’s coffin it’s carried by cream cheese.”

The crowd break out into spontaneous applause. “Now please, help yourselves to cake,” I say, as I get down from the table. Marie, slightly shaken from nearly being executed in broad daylight in an upper-class café in 21st century London, rejoins me at my table.

“It looks like I was wrong,” says Marie. “Maybe you’re not so dreadful after all.”

“Excuse me, sir, that was amazing. How did you do that?” Says a waiter, approaching our table.

“I remembered what I’ve always known all along I guess,” I say with a shrug. “That food criticism is the most important profession in the world,” I say, as I throw down some cash, grab my coat and head for the door.

“But what about doctors and nurses? What about aid workers, farmers, teachers, scient-” they protest, but I block it out as the door closes behind me, my self-importance rekindled.

The most important profession in the entire world.

Mince Pies with King Herod

Close your eyes and think about Christmas, what do you see? Many of you will have said baubles, mulled wine, mistletoe, Mariah Carey, reindeer, log fires, turkey, pigs in blankets, pigs out of blankets, wrapping paper, Santa Claus, A Christmas Prince 2: Royal Wedding, all sorts of things. But how many of you said attempted infanticide by the King of Judea? Probably only 30-40%. It’s fair to say that on Christmas morning, most people’s first thought isn’t ‘today is the day that King Herod tried to murder a baby out of spite’.

My dining companion today is that King himself. Usually I choose the guests myself, but last week I received a call from his representatives that he was interested in doing the blog, and who am I to decline? This could be my Frost/Nixon, a chance to interrogate one of Christmas’s most notorious figures and understand more about him and his motivations. Today we’d be sampling three of London’s most premium mince pies in a quest to understand just which is the best.

I meet Herod at Konditor and Cook on Goodge Street. Konditor and Cook’s mince pies have been called ‘the best mince pies in Britain’ by The Telegraph, so it seems like a fine place to begin our tour. When I arrive, Herod is seated inside sipping a coffee. I’m surprised to see that it’s not just him though, but he’s arrived with four other smartly-dressed people.

“Hi, I’m King Herod, good to meet you.” Says Herod, extending his hand.

“Hi, I’m Andy. Who are these people?”

“This is my PR team, they’re going to be joining us today.”

“Oh, err… ok.” I say, taken aback. I hadn’t anticipated that we’d have company, what was this about? “I guess that’s fine… shall we get started then?” I say. Herod nods, and I order us a couple of mince pies that they bring to our table.

Konditor and Cook mince pies wrapped
Konditor & Cook’s Mince Pies.

“So, thanks for agreeing to be part of this.” I say, “I guess my first question is, when you wanted to kill Jesus-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it!” Says one of the PR team, stepping forward. “That topic is off limits.”

“What?”

“Our client agreed to this interview on the basis that there’d be no discussion of that.”

“But.. it’s the main thing we know him for.”

“And we don’t want to discuss it. People have a very negative perception of our client due to the biased mainstream media choosing to focus on stories about him trying to kill children and not on his many other achievements.”

“What achievements?”

“His many other achievements.”

“Such as?”

“There are lots of them.”

“But what are they?”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you all willingly choose to focus on one small incident that’s been blown out of proportion, because of your liberal agenda.”

“You think not wanting to kill children is a liberal agenda?”

“Just don’t discuss it, or we’re leaving, ok?”

“But then why are you here if you don’t want to discuss it?”

“We want people to see the real Herod, the Herod of the people. He’s just a regular guy, like me and you, you know?”

I sigh. What option do I really have now that we’re here with the mince pies in front of us? It’s not like I can just draft in Joseph Aspdin at the last minute (hi everybody, welcome to the call-back section of the review). “Fine, let’s do it.” I say, with a shrug. I take a spoon to my mince pie. In appearance it’s surprisingly small and flat, but with a beautifully golden crust, ever so slightly toasted at the edges. It crumbles well, but in flavour terms it’s actually a little underwhelming for something that’s been billed as the best mince pie in London, with not quite enough flavour in the pastry, and whilst the filling is nice there’s just not quite enough of it. At £12 for 6 mince pies, you would hope for more.

Konditor and Cook mince pie
A Konditor & Cook Mince Pie with Cream.

“What do you think?” I ask Herod.

“So this is a mince pie?” Asks Herod. I nod. “It doesn’t taste anything like minced grouse.”

“Minced grouse? What the hell are you talking about?”

“Ok, ok, scratch that.” Says a PR person, intervening. “We need a minute.” Herod and the PR person stand up and walk away from the table. I see them whispering away in a corner, before Herod comes back to the table.

“I love minced pies.” Says Herod. “They are a wonderful combination of dried fruits and spices and pastry that I enjoy every festive season.”

“Ok…” I say, confusedly. “Yes, they are a Christmas treat.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Says one of the PR people, intervening.

“What now?”

“What did I just say about the killing children thing?”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Christmas? Christ? As in the alleged murder victim?”

“Oh for goodness sake! We’re reviewing mince pies and now you want to ban me from saying Christmas?”

“Hey! Our client just wants to be treated fairly by the media, ok? You’re the one who keeps being negative here.”

“He tried to murder a child!”

“This whole ‘killing Jesus’ thing is a witch hunt, there’s no proof that our client was ever involved.”

“Oh come on! It was his idea!”

“No King has ever been treated as unfairly as King Herod. You need to stop being such a snowflake and give our client a fair hearing. No mention of that, and no more mentioning Christmas, ok?”

“Well what the hell do you want me to talk about then?”

“Why don’t you ask him what music he enjoys listening to?”

“Ok, fine, what music do you like listening to?”

“I enjoy listening to the Arctic Monks and Drapes.” Says Herod.

“Who?”

“Ignore that!” Says a PR person, who again goes over to whisper to Herod.

“Sorry, I mean the Arctic Monkeys and Drake. I love it when they sing the songs, I own all of their albums.”

“Oh my god, seriously?” I sigh. “What the hell is this?”

“Our client is telling you about the music that he enjoys listening to.” Says a PR person.

“Oh really? Which albums does he like the most then?”

“Do not answer that!” Shouts a PR person. “You are walking on thin ice, mister!” They say, pointing angrily at me. “You’re deliberately trying to make our client look bad! He’s just a regular guy who likes regular guy things and you come in here with your left-wing spin and want to portray him as some kind of monster!”

“He doesn’t even know what a mince pie is!”

“He has been quite clear that he loves mince pies, so why don’t you just move on?”

“Ok, fine let’s go to bloody Gail’s then shall we?” I say, angrily. We all up and leave Konditor and Cook, and head over to our second location, Gail’s, which is just around the corner in Bloomsbury. Gail’s is a popular chain that started in Hampstead back in the 90s but now has over 40 locations around London. They’ve always been very highly-rated, but today will actually be my first time trying their bakes.

Gails Mince Pies Wrapped
Gail’s Mince Pies.

We take a seat and I order a couple more mince pies and some coffee. We sit in silence just staring at each other until our mince pies arrive. They look very nice, very good pastry with a sugared top, and with a bit more depth than the Konditor and Cook mince pies. I break the mince pie with my spoon. It’s well-filled, not too dense, not too sparse. The pastry is buttery, and the filling is beautifully flavoured, rich and fruity without being overwhelmed by alcohol. All in all, it’s a fantastic mince pie. “Ok, what are your thoughts?” I ask Herod, more out of hope than expectation.

“I have to say, they’re all winners in my eyes. Small business is the backbone of the economy and I support our troops.”

“For f**k’s sake, we’re talking about mince pies! You’re killing this review!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Says the PR person intervening. “What did we say abo-”

“Oh, come on! This is pointless PR spin! He’s not a regular guy, he’s a madman!”

“Our client is not a madman, he’s the kind of guy that people would like to have a beer with. Tell them Herod, what’s your favourite beer?”

“Ice cold beer on a hot day.” Says Herod. “Or a cold day, I forget which.”

“I give up, I’m leaving.” I say, as I finish my mince pie and go to leave.

“Hey, hey! Don’t be hasty!” Says a PR person, grabbing me as I go to leave. “Look, ok, I’m sure we can come to some kind of agreement for a blog like yours.”

“What do you mean a blog like mine?”

“Your blog, it gets what, millions, tens of millions of views, right?”

“What? Well, tens, definitely…” I say. Even that’s not true, there are weeks where I barely hit double figures, and I’m pretty confident half of those are me logging on to check whether I’ve hit double figures.

The PR person thinks for a moment, then walks off to a corner with Herod and the other PR people. They chat amongst themselves for a couple of minutes and then come back to me.

“Ok, we’ll allow you to ask one question. One. No follow-ups, nothing else. How’s that?”

“It can be anything?”

“Anything. But only one.”

“Ok, fine.” I say. “Now come on, we’ve got more mince pies to eat.”

We leave Gail’s and begin the walk towards Soho. I spend the walk deep in thought. One question, no follow-ups, what do I ask? Before I know it, we’re at Bread Ahead. Famed for their incredible doughnuts, they’re also rumoured to make a great mince pie, and so here we find ourselves in one of their newer locations just off Carnaby Street. I order us a couple of mince pies and we take our seats. Again, we sit facing each other in silence for a while, this time with me anxiously combing my mind for a great question as I prod at my mince pie. In appearance it’s the grandest of all the mince pies, with thick crust and tall sides. Whilst visually imposing though, it’s not quite to my preference taste-wise. Whilst you can’t accuse them of being stingy with the filling, if anything they’ve gone the other way and packed too much into it. It’s incredibly compact, leaving it with the texture of a Christmas pudding. The flavour is still nice, but it’s not quite what I’m after in a mince pie.

Bread Ahead Mince Pies Wrapped
Bread Ahead’s Mince Pies.

“Well?”

“What? Oh, yes, the question.” I say, snapping back out of my haze.

“Any question you like.”

“I just need a few more minutes, ok?”

“We don’t have all day. I’ll give you ten seconds and then the deal is off the table.”

“Wait, please, just give me-”

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four-”

“What’s your favourite Christmas film?” I blurt out.

“That’s it? That’s your question?”

“No, hold on, I want another one!”

“No, we agreed you got one question. Herod, please feel free to answer the question as you wish.”

Herod scratches his head for a minute. He really seems to be thinking it through.

“Home Alone 2: Lost In New York.” Says Herod. I’m genuinely taken aback that he’s chosen something unexpected that also happens to be one of my own favourites.

“Satisfied?” Says the PR person. I’ve blown my chance. There’s vomit on my sweater. Mom’s spaghetti.

“It’s just a shame that it ended the way it did.” Sighs Herod.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Herod, no, stop right there!”

“I can’t believe that bloody kid got away with it! The BASTARD!” Shouts Herod, quietly shaking with anger.

“Herod! No more!”

“Harry and Marv would have been set without him! They could have lived as kings were it not for that boy! Oh, what I would have given to have slain that Kevin McAllister myself, the little s**t! He had to ruin it all! THEY WERE KINGS AND HE RUINED IT ALL! THE RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH HIS BLOOD!” Shouts Herod, slamming his fist on the table. Bread Ahead goes completely silent as Herod sits fuming, his face red with rage. He suddenly comes back to his senses, and looks at his PR team with horror. “I’m sorry, I mean, I love the Snowman.” He stammers. “The Snowman is my favourite. Aled Jones is a national treasure.”

“We need to go.” Says a PR representative. They whisk him away and then they are gone, leaving me sat alone with my mince pie. What a Christmas this has turned out to be. Outside, the first drops of snow begin to fall, as somewhere in the back somebody hits a jukebox and Chris Rea’s Driving Home For Christmas begins to play. A young boy nearby stands on a chair.

“Merry Christmas to us all! God bless us, every o-”

“God is dead, sit down.” Says his father, as the boy sits silently back down. Overall…

Konditor & Cook – 7/10 – Tasty, but too pricey for what you get.

Gail’s – 9/10 – EXCELLENT MINCE PIES.

Bread Ahead – 6/10 – Too densely packed.

Iberica with Alexander Hamilton

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence impoverished, in squalor, grow up to be a hero and my latest dining companion? That was the question I had to ask myself as I stood on the corner of London’s Cardinal Place in Victoria, awaiting Alexander Hamilton, American revolutionary, treasury secretary, and cultural icon due to the huge success of the musical Hamilton, a spectacular, ground-breaking piece of musical theatre famous for breaking convention not just through its use of rap and hip-hop, but for its incredibly diverse cast in an industry typically dominated by white actors. I’m keen to hear the thoughts of the man himself, and tonight we’d be enjoying the tastes of the Mediterranean as we ventured to popular tapas restaurant Iberica. “Here comes the general!” I say, as Hamilton approaches.

 

“Good to see you.” He says, with a shake of the hand.

 

“The one that I’ve been waiting for!”

 

“Ok.”

 

“I am not throwing away my shot!”

 

“You want to get drinks?” He says, confused.

 

“Oh, I… yes, I guess so.” I say, taken aback by his lack of response. Perhaps he’s just hungry for chorizo lollipops.

 

Iberica is one of the recent additions to a complete overhaul of the Victoria station area. Where previously the area was fairly devoid of much in the way of food, drink and shopping save for a Pret A Manger and a McDonalds, the whole area has been built up to now be a bit of a restaurant destination. As well as Iberica, you now have places like Bone Daddies, Crosstown Doughnuts, Shake Shack, the M Steakhouse, and Hai Cenato all having popped up in the last two years. Iberica was one of the first of these arrivals, a new outpost of an existing chain of tapas restaurants spread across London, Manchester and Leeds. It’s a restaurant that’s as fancy as you want to make it. It feels fancier than other tapas chains like La Tasca, but not so fancy that you feel you have to wear your smart shoes or your emerald-studded cloak.

 

Iberica Pan Con Tomate
Pan Con Tomate

 

“Ooh, what to have… what to have…” I say, scanning the menu. “Anything you’re in the mood for?”

 

“The chorizo lollipops sound nice.” Says Hamilton. I knew it! He’s right though, the chorizo lollipops sound delicious, so we order a few of those, alongside some pan con tomate, ham croquettes, the Spanish omelette, the crispy chicken, albóndigas (beef meatballs), Gambas (prawns in garlic sauce) as well as some jamón by none other than Juan Pedro Domecq, a man who neither of us have heard of, but who has apparently been awarded 3 gold stars for his Iberico ham four times, which is four more ham awards than either myself or Hamilton have ever won (although Hamilton’s achievements are so vast that they could have cut a song about him making fancy ham from the show for all I know).

 

“So, I guess you could say that you’re going to be my Right-Hand Man tonight, eh? Outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outpl-“

 

“Why are you being weird?” Says Hamilton, as our food begins to arrive. I tuck into a beef meatball, laded with Vizcaina sauce, a sweet pepper sauce that has its origins in the Basque region of Spain. It’s very beefy, as you might expect for something made of beef, and the sweet pepper sauce does add a nice extra flavour to the dish (namely, one of sweet pepper).

 

“Because of the show! Come on, you know the words! Alexander Hamilton, there’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait, just you w-”

 

“What show?”

 

“Oh wow, you really have no idea, do you?”

 

“No idea about what?”

 

“We’re going to need to get this to take away.” I say to the waiter.

 

***

 

“Oh my god…” Says Hamilton. We’re standing on the street outside the Victoria Palace Theatre, where Hamilton is playing. “We have to see it.”

 

“It’s really hard to get tickets.”

 

“We have to find a way. Wouldn’t you want to see a musical about your own life?”

 

I consider it for a moment. Truth be told I’m not sure I would. I’m not sure how much entertainment there’d be in a musical about a man whose life was 75% sighing, 25% eating takeaway.

 

Chorizo Lollipops
Chorizo Lollipops

 

“Ok, fine, let’s see if they have any returns. We can’t take this in though.” I say, gesturing to the bag of croquettes, prawns, crispy chicken and ham.

 

“It’s fine, give it here.” Says Hamilton, as he takes the bag and begins to stuff the food into his pockets.

 

“Oh, err… ok.” I say, as Hamilton marches to the front of the queue.

 

“Hello, we’re here to see my show.” Says Hamilton.

 

“What’s the name?”

 

“Alexander Hamilton.” Says Hamilton. The cashier looks him up and down with disdain.

 

“I don’t have you down here Mr Hamilton…”

 

“But it’s my show.”

 

“Sure.”

 

“Ok, fine, I can see we’re going to have to resort to unconventional means here…” Says Hamilton. “Perhaps you could… look again?” He says, as he removes a croquette from his pocket and casually slides it across to the cashier.

 

“Is that a croquette?” Says the baffled cashier.

 

“Make that… two croquettes.” Says Hamilton, as he slides another croquette across.

 

“You know these tickets go for hundreds of pounds.”

 

“How many croquettes is that?”

 

The cashier sighs the sigh of somebody who has sighed many sighs. “Look, we have two returns in Row F if you want them, but it’ll be four hundred pounds.”

 

Hamilton looks at me. I look at Hamilton. “Ok, fine.” I say, as I hand over my credit card. “We’ll need those croquettes back too.” I say, as I take back the croquettes and we walk into the theatre.

 

The Albóndigas (Beef Meatballs)
The Albóndigas (Beef Meatballs)

 

I take a bite of the croquette as we take our seats. It’s covered in hair with a faintly musty flavour, a very disappointing flavour combination, though in fairness I don’t believe that the restaurant had ever intended for it to be served directly out of the pockets of an 18th century ghost (if they had then it was very avant-garde). The lights dim, and the music starts.

 

“Who’s that?” Whispers Hamilton to me.

 

“That’s Aaron Burr.” I say.

 

“Aaron Burr? And who’s that?”

 

“George Washington.” I whisper, quietly.

 

“Seriously?!” Says Hamilton, loudly. People seated around us give us filthy looks and try to shh Hamilton. I mouth an apology as Hamilton just glares back at them.

 

“Just… keep it down a little bit, ok?” I whisper to Hamilton.

 

“But none of my friends are black!” Says Hamilton loudly as the song comes to a close and the theatre fills with silence. I feel the eyes of the entire crowd (and even the cast) on our seats.

 

“It’s not how it sounds.” I try to protest, however my voice is drowned out by the next song starting. I slide down in my seat in shame. Hamilton shrugs and pulls a piece of ham out of his pocket. He hands me one and I eat it immediately. Alas, even the fine tastes of Juan Pedro Domecq’s rich and flavoursome gold-starred ham can’t distract from my embarrassment. Perhaps it was a mistake to bring him here. He loudly chomps his way through some ham as we go through two more songs. Finally we get to the song ‘The Story Of Tonight’ a song where Hamilton, the Marquis de Lafayette, John Laurens and Hercules Mulligan pledge their loyalty to the revolution and sing about how future generations will tell tales about this moment. It’s a great song. Unfortunately, not everybody thinks so.

 

“No! No, no, no!” Shouts Hamilton, getting to his feet angrily. “Stop! Stop the music!” He shouts. Everything grinds to a halt and the theatre falls silent, except for the boos and aggression directed towards our seats.

 

“What the hell are you doing? Sit down!” I say to Hamilton, furiously.

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Alexander Hamilton, and these people are all frauds!” Says Hamilton, gesturing towards the cast. He begins to shuffle out of our row and walk towards the stage. The boos begin to intensify. Before I know it, he’s stood on stage along with the cast, who all stand in bemusement. “This performance does not accurately reflect my life at all. Please, if you’ll allow me to interject.” Hamilton says, as he stands centre stage. “Andy, will you please join me on stage.” He says, gesturing to me. I look around as if to pretend it is not me he is talking to. “Andy, please come on up here.” Where the hell are the theatre security staff? How have they not stopped this by now? “Andy, I can see you, please get on up here.”

 

Juan Pedro Domenq's Award-Winning Ham
Juan Pedro Domenq’s Award-Winning Ham

 

Everybody’s eyes are on me now as I shamefully slink out of the row and apologetically trudge up onto the stage. “Everybody, this is Andy. He writes a food blog, which reminds me…” Hamilton withdraws a couple of prawns from his pocket. “One for you, one for me.” Says Hamilton, handing me a prawn. “Mmm… it has a nice taste of garlic, wouldn’t you agree?” I take a bite of my prawn and nod a subdued nod. It does have a nice taste of garlic, though at this point as we stand onstage in front of hundreds of people having hijacked an award-winning West End show to review prawns, my mind is understandably elsewhere.

 

“Right, now let me show you how this really happened.”

 

“Hamilton, no, please.” I protest. “Please don’t do this.”

 

“It’s singing, how hard can it be? I’ll be me, and Andy, you be Aaron Burr, ok?”

 

“What? No, wait a mi-”

 

“Music, please.” Says Hamilton, gesturing to the orchestra. To what will surely be their eternal regret, they for some reason decide to oblige him. “Hello, hello, hello… like, hello…” Sings Hamilton, tunelessly playing for time. “It is me, Hamilton. I have written some documents, would you like to read them?” He gestures to me.

 

“Yes, I would like to read them.” I try to sing. Me and Hamilton then just stand opposite each other bopping about for what feels like hours. Just two prawn-obsessed maniacs out of their depth in musical theatre, both unsure what to do next. He may have written 51 essays defending the U.S. constitution, but the man can’t freestyle to save his life.

 

“Ok, cool. They are about government things.” Sings Hamilton. “Government things. Government things…” He then begins to try and dance, flinging crispy chicken and prawns everywhere. It is at this point that the theatre security finally arrives, grab us both and lead us offstage to cheers from the crowd. They toss us out onto the kerb. “Take your wonderfully rich and meaty, nay almost buttery Juan Pedro Domenq gold-starred ham and stay out!” Shouts one of the security guards, as we’re followed shortly afterwards by our crispy chicken, prawns, and Juan Pedro Domenq ham.

 

“Yeah, well you take your expository dialogue and… and… yeah!” Shouts Hamilton, but it is too late, the door has already slammed behind us. The evening may have ended in disgrace, but overall I have to say…

 

9/10 – Lovely croquettes.

Sexy Fish with Karl Marx

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Every food writer needs a bad review. People love seeing somebody’s dream torn apart in a whimsical way, their entire life’s purpose reduced to rubble by a cutting quip from somebody who writes about human fuel for a living, their self-worth completely vanquished because they had the audacity to grill their turbot for thirty seconds too long. People absolutely love that. It racks up the page views much quicker than somebody praising a great restaurant. If I want to be a true food writer, I have to find somewhere to hate, and today I think I have just the place.

 

Sexy Fish is a place of incredible opulence, an Instagram-friendly indulgence of gilded surfaces, glass dragons and eye-popping prices. It’s a place to be seen, a celebrity-haven that once hosted the Conservatives’ Christmas Party, which gives you some kind of idea of the typical clientele. I’ve always imagined it as somewhere that people looking to flash their cash come to spend extortionate sums on average food. Today however, it would be host to a different kind of a clientele, as I ventured there with everybody’s favourite writer on the means of production, Karl Marx. Marx famously wrote The Communist Manifesto back in 1848, a critique of the wealthy and their exploitation of the working-class for their own ends, making him the ideal candidate for my spectacular demolition of this bastion of the bourgeois.

 

I meet Marx outside the restaurant, at my suggestion. I can’t wait to see the explosion of fury as he walks in and sees potentially the grandest display of capitalism he’ll ever see. We walk through the door and…

 

“Wow, look at this place!” Says Marx. “This is amazing!”

 

We’re shown to our table and handed our menus. “Oh my god! They’ve got black cod! I love black cod!” Continues Marx.

 

“What is happening?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“This! The decadence, the prices! Don’t you think it’s a bit… bourgeois?”

 

“Oh… I guess so, yeah.”

 

“You guess so? Does it not make you angry?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because you’re Karl bloody Marx! Is this not everything you’re against?!”

 

“Oh, well we can’t all be angry all the time, can we? Sometimes you just have to let your hair down and have a good time! Hey, why don’t we get some wagyu?”

 

“We’re not getting wagyu!” I say, as I see it priced at £89 for 150 grams. “Look, I’ll be honest with you, we’re here to write a bad review.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because writing about something you hate is much more popular than writing about something you like. You think The Communist Manifesto would have been as popular if you’d written about how much you enjoy exploiting the poor?” Marx shrugs his shoulders. “Please just try and have a terrible time for me, ok?”

 

“Ok, I’ll try.” Says Marx.

 

Sexy Fish Chicken Wings
Chicken wings.

 

“Can I get you anything to drink?” Says a waiter, interrupting.

 

“Yes, of course, I’ll have the…” I say, as I scan the menu, looking for something of more style than substance that I can criticise. Alas, it’s one of the nicest and most interesting cocktail menus I’ve seen, including one particularly delicious sounding drink that catches my eye. The Rocky Road Old Fashioned is a twist on a regular Old Fashioned, but using buttered whisky, with a toffee twist and a digestive biscuit crumb. It sounds like my dream cocktail, but then really you could sell me anything by adding the word ‘buttered’. I’d probably have been sold on invading Iraq too if you’d told me they had buttered WMDs. I’m basically only ever one well-placed adjective away from an aircraft carrier and a ‘MISSION ACCOMPLISHED’ banner.

 

I order the Rocky Road Old Fashioned, the criticism can wait. Marx settles on a Japanese whisky. Sexy Fish professes to have the second largest collection of Japanese whisky in the world. Who the number one is I have no idea, but if I were to hazard a guess I would say Japan.

 

It’s easy to come to Sexy Fish and rack up the bill like you’re playing a pinball machine, but I’ve planned this well in advance and know exactly what to order to keep it within budget. We go for the chicken wings, beef skewers, the black cod, lamb chops, the Iberico pork ribs, and the duck breast. Factoring in our two cocktails and tip, that keeps us within £200. It’s a pricey meal, but it’s hard to get out of here spending less.

 

As mentioned, Sexy Fish is something of a celebrity haven, you come here expecting to see somebody famous. Even coming in with this knowledge, we’re surprised to see who enters the front door next.

 

“Oh my god, is that-” I say, aghast.

 

“Che Guevara.” Says Che Guevara. “I’m here for the event.”

 

“Of course. Right this way, sir.” Says the Maitre d’. He leads him through the restaurant, missing myself and Marx as he does, and they exit into a back room.

 

“That was strange.” Says Marx. “What’s he doing here?”

 

“I have no idea… It’s fine though, forget about him.”

 

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The Rocky Road Old Fashioned.

 

Our first dishes arrive, the chicken wings and the beef skewers. ‘Here we go!’ I think to myself, as the starter’s pistol is fired on the review that’s going to propel me to fame and fortune. Before I know it I’ll be sitting down with Graham Norton, telling a hilarious anecdote about the beef being closer to well-done than medium rare, as Will Smith pats me on the shoulder and tells me I’m the freshest of all princes.

 

I take a bite of the beef skewer and my blood runs cold. To my surprise, the beef is juicy and works very well with the asparagus and smoked chilli sauce it comes with. I fumble for a chicken wing, hoping for something to salvage the criticism, but alas they too are crisp and flavoursome. It’s almost like they don’t want me to write them a poor review.

 

“What do you think?” I ask Marx, as the black cod, the pork ribs and the duck breast arrive at our table too.

 

“I don’t know, maybe he’s here for a job interview or something.”

 

“I mean the food! I told you to forget about him!”

 

“He’s a communist! Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical?” Says Marx, as he tucks into the black cod.

 

“Look at you!” I said, as Marx wipes the black cod from his face and takes another sip of his Japanese whisky.

 

“Oh, well this is different isn’t it?”

 

“How?”

 

“You know… I’m… German.” Says Marx, clutching wildly at straws. I take a bite of the black cod. My heart sinks as I realise it’s unironically tasty. Rich and creamy unlike regular cod, it’s surely only a matter of time until some London restaurant makes a ‘fish finger’ sandwich using black cod, at which point London will have finally completed its journey to becoming the Capitol from The Hunger Games.

 

Sexy Fish Black Cod
Black Cod.

 

“This is actually quite good, isn’t it?” I say with a sigh, as I see my Will Smith friendship dream dying in front of me.

 

“It’s awful.” Says Marx.

 

“Really?” I say, excitedly.

 

“Yes. If he were coming here he should have let me know.”

 

“Oh for goodness sake, this again?”

 

“I’m going to go and say something.” Says Marx, folding his napkin as he gets to his feet.

 

“And what will he say if he sees you here?”

 

“Oh, I guess you’re right.” Says Marx, sitting back down again. “Ok, I need you to go and say something.”

 

“Why the hell would I go and say something?”

 

“Because I’ve taken your family hostage, Andy.”

 

“You’ve what?” I say, stunned.

 

“All it takes is one call, Andy…” Says Marx, as he slowly withdraws a calculator from his pocket and hovers his finger over the ‘CE’ button.

 

“You know that’s a calculator, right?”

 

“The guy told me this was an iPhone!”

 

“What guy?”

 

“He said he was the CEO of Telephones.”

 

“Where did you see him?”

 

“He was by the bins.”

 

“Did you see his ID?”

 

“He said he’d left it in his office.”

 

“Where was his office?”

 

“Los Angeles.”

 

“So he’d popped over from L.A. for the day to just hang around by some bins and sell phones?”

 

“I can see why you’re sceptical, I was too at first-“

 

“You should be bloody sceptical! You’ve been trying to text people on a calculator!”

 

Sexy Fish Iberico Pork Ribs
Iberico Pork Ribs.

 

“Ok, I don’t have your family, but can you please just find him and have a word? Just ask him what he’s doing here?”

 

“Fine.” I sigh. I take one final bite of the pork ribs (sadly tremendous), and head for the Coral Reef room, Sexy Fish’s private dining room, so named due to the huge coral reef fish tank along the back wall. Perhaps here, in the scene of maximum opulence I will find something to criticise. I swing the door open and-

 

“Oh my god!” I say, stunned. I see Che Guevara seated at a table, flanked by Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, Chairman Mao, Joseph Stalin and Fidel Castro. They’re all laughing together, pouring champagne and feasting like kings. The whole scene is like something out of The Great Gatsby, were Gatsby to host exclusive parties for autocrats responsible for the deaths of millions of their own people, a film I’m not sure even Leonardo di Caprio could have saved.

 

“I just think the cod could benefit from more miso glaze.” Says Stalin, in a thick Russian accent.

 

“What is this?!” I say, and then I see… her. Valerie Rhombus, author of significantly more popular blog, Meals With Departed Historical Figures. Valerie is an Instagram ‘influencer’, the kind that has pictures of herself staring wistfully into the sea or brushing her hair out of her face alongside some faux-intellectual caption like ‘sometimes to get where you’re going you need to go back to where you started’, a quote which only really works if you’re on a roundabout. She completely stole my idea for my blog and passed it off as her own by changing small details, such as the name, the font, and making her blog interesting rather than a self-indulgent shambles. I despise her.

 

“Andy! Good to see you!” Says Valerie, with a smug smile.

 

“I should have known it was you! What are you doing here?!”

 

“I thought it would be fascinating to have the clash between the world’s foremost socialist thinkers and the extravagance of Sexy Fish. It works particularly well in the Coral Reef Room, don’t you think?”

 

“That was MY idea! You knew I was doing my review here!”

 

“Your review? Which D-lister have you got this time? Joseph Aspdin?”

 

Everybody laughs loudly at me.

 

“Oh shut up, Stalin! I bet you don’t even know who Joseph Aspdin is!”

 

“He invented Portland cement.” Says Stalin. I have no idea whether he’s telling the truth or not. None of us really know who Joseph Aspdin is.

 

Sexy Fish Beef Skewers
The Beef & Asparagus Skewers.

 

“So come on, who did you invite?” Says Valerie.

 

“What the hell is going on here?!” Says Marx, walking through door. All the Communists look stunned and get to their feet immediately.

 

“Urgh! This place makes me sick!” Says Lenin, as he dramatically throws his napkin on the floor and stamps on it.

 

“Yes! I am glad we have come here to… to… experience it first-hand so now we can better understand how to seize the means of production!” Says Trotsky, wiping bone marrow from his moustache. “Bloody… capitalism!” He says, shaking his fist at a passing clown fish.

 

“Oh, knock it off!” Says Marx, angrily. “You’re all hypocrites! You claim to stand for the redistribution of wealth, yet here you all are indulging yourselves with champagne and seabass! What would the proletariat say if they could see you all now? You’ve brought shame upon the Communist movement!”

 

The Communists stand hanging their heads in shame. There is a moment’s silence before Che Guevara pipes up.

 

“Hold on, what are you doing here?” Says Che.

 

“Me? Well I… you know… I was here as a… you know, as an ironic observer, right Andy?”

 

A waiter enters behind us.

 

“Sorry to interrupt, sir, but how did you want your wagyu cooked?” Says the waiter to Marx.

 

“Oh for goodness sake, you’re just as bad as them! You should all hate this place! It’s everything you claimed to stand against but look at you, you’re literally champagne socialists! What do you have to say for yourselves?”

 

“Sorry.” Mumble the Communists as one, as they stare at the floor. “We’re very sorry.”

 

“Ok, good, thankyou. And you, don’t you ever steal my ideas again!” I say to Valerie. “Come on Marx, let’s go finish our review.”

 

I go to leave, but Marx remains still. “Marx, come on!” I say.

 

“But… they have a fish tank.” Says Marx. “Can I stay here?”

 

“Of course you can stay here.” Says Valerie, smiling wickedly in my direction. “Do you like sea bass?”

 

“I love sea bass!” Says Marx.

 

“Well we’ve got plenty, get yourself a seat!” Says Valerie, as Marx excitedly runs around to sit next to Fidel Castro.

 

“You bloody bastard! I need him for my review!”

 

“Sorry Andy, at least somebody’s seized the means of production this evening.” Says Valerie, as she closes the door in my face. I’m left alone with the laughter of 6 dead Communists echoing through the corridor. I make my way back to my table and glumly nurse my Old Fashioned (wonderfully buttery), when I’m interrupted by the waiter.

 

“Excuse me, sir. There’s somebody here to see you.”

 

“What? Who?”

 

The waiter moves to reveal a man I’ve never seen before stood looming over the table.

 

“Hello, are you Andy?” Says the man.

 

“Yes… who are you?”

 

“I’m Joseph Aspdin, inventor of Portland cement.”

 

I sigh heavily. My evening of misery is, for want of a better word, cemented. “You know what, fine. Sit yourself down and tell me everything you know about cement.” I say, as I down my Old Fashioned. I came here to criticise the place in the hope it might make us all feel better about ourselves, but overall I have to say…

 

9/10 – Tremendous black cod.

Meat Liquor with Mother Teresa

Meat Liquor

“Hello, I’ve got a reservation for two under the name Patrick Kluivert.” I said to the waiter. I’d recently taken to using an alias when making bookings. If I wanted to be a successful food critic and get a fair trial of an establishment, I needed to refrain from using my real name to avoid tipping them off in advance and receiving special treatment. Unfortunately I had only realised this as I was calling to make a reservation, and in my panic had reached for the first name I could think of, which sadly happened to be that of late 1990s-mid 2000s Dutch footballing superstar, Patrick Kluivert.

“Yes, here we are. Right this way, Mr Kluivert.” Said the hostess. Thankfully the name hadn’t rung any alarm bells and I should be able to dine in anonymity. She seated me at my table to await my guest, who was evidently running late. Today I would be dining with the famous writer, Ernest Hemingway. The author of classic books such as The Old Man And The Sea, as well its significantly less classic follow-up titles, 2 Old Man 2 The Sea, and The Old Man And The Sea: Tokyo Drift, he lived a notoriously hedonistic lifestyle of excess, and so where better to take him than to rock and roll burger chain Meat Liquor.

Meat Liquor is a very in your face, unapologetic swathe of fat-laced high-end diner food. Hulking great burgers packed with juicy beef patties paired with sides richer than Macauley Culkin in the 1990s, and an alcohol menu that ranges from classic cocktails to hard milkshakes and pickleback shots. It’s a place of indulgence, the kind of place you come to forget you’re trying to diet because your body fat has been steadily creeping up all the time, despite you thinking you’re doing more exercise than ever and eating salads from Tossed for lunch twice a week, somehow the number just continues to creep up and you stop using the machine at the local Nuffield Health because what does it know anyway? It doesn’t know you, and everybody is different, right? It’s probably broken and just can’t tell the difference between fat and muscle. It’s the place you forget that and have a milkshake or five.

Meat Liquor Monkey Fingers
The ‘Monkey Fingers’.

I sit at the table for a good half hour or so, continually checking my phone. Where the hell is Hemingway? He’s probably running late from another hedonistic meeting, and as we only have the table for a couple of hours, I decide to order for him in advance. I order a large portion of monkey fingers (chicken breast coated in batter and slathered in buffalo sauce) to share. To accompany this, I opt for the Dead Hippie Burger, which consists of two beef patties fried in mustard, the usual lettuce, cheese, onions etc, as well as their famous ‘dead hippie sauce’. Quite what this dead hippie sauce is remains a mystery, though the name makes you worry that years from now you’ll be on a Panorama documentary where they reveal that you were a willing accomplice in the Sweeney Todd situation you worried it was. For Hemingway, I choose the Tower Block Burger, a combination of fried chicken, cheese, jalapenos and a hash brown. I also order some chilli cheese fries, onion rings, a deep-fried mac ’n’ cheese to share, a black forest milkshake for me, as well as a chocolate milkshake and a classic martini for Hemingway. Somewhere in the distance, I hear the scream of the Nuffield Health body measurement machine. I continue anyway, to spite it for giving me what is actually probably a very accurate measurement of my BMI and body fat level, and add some hash browns to my order. This should be enough to keep us satisfied.

No sooner had I finished my order than the door swings open, and who is stood there other than…

Mother Teresa?

Meat Liquor Mother Teresa.jpg

“Hello, I’m here with Patrick Kluivert.” Says Mother Teresa. She is ushered to my table. “You must be Patrick Kluivert.” She says, with a smile. Clearly she has little to no knowledge of that era of European football, which should come as no surprise I suppose. She doesn’t look the type to have owned a pair of Adidas Predators.

“Yes, sure.” I say, standing to greet her. “Where’s Hemingway?”

“Oh, he couldn’t make it in the end, so he sent me instead.” She says, as she takes a seat. “What are we having today?”

I look at the menu. How do you explain Meat Liquor, a restaurant with Satanic overtones and where the name is a euphemism, to an elderly Saint? “It’s called Burger Town.” I say. It’s easier this way. “Have you ever been to an American diner before?” She looks at me blankly. “They serve burgers, hot dogs, fries, that kind of thing.” The blank stare intensifies. “Well anyway, you’re going to love it.”

Meat Liquor Dead Hippie Burger.jpg
My Dead Hippie burger.

Teresa nods, and pours herself a glass of tap water. We sit facing each other for a while.

“So…” I say, lost for conversation. I am acutely aware that despite knowing of Mother Teresa, I have absolutely no idea what she did, as I hadn’t been expecting to meet her today. It must be something good, as she’s always held up as some kind of bastion of decency, but what that was I couldn’t say. Did she look after animals? No, wait, didn’t she heal the lepers? No, of course, she was the one who travelled back through time to find love! No, I realise, this was respectively St Francis of Assisi, Jesus of Nazareth, and Domhnall Gleeson in About Time. Alas, I have no idea whatsoever what she did, so I go with the same tried and tested gem of conversation as ever. “Have you seen Stranger Things?”

“I once saw an owl with the face of God.” She says.

“Ok, err… I mean I guess that’s technically a stranger thing. Tell me more.”

Mother Teresa begins to tell me the tale of the time she saw an owl with the face of God. I’m sure it’s a very interesting story, but I’m distracted by what’s going on elsewhere, as people are excitedly chattering and looking around the restaurant. I attempt to eavesdrop on one of the tables.

“No, really! I heard one of the waitresses say it!” Says one.

“I can’t see him anywhere.” Says the other, scanning the restaurant.

“Well they definitely said it. He’s here! Patrick Kluivert is here!” They say, excitedly.

Oh god. They had clocked the name after all, and now somehow they’d let it spill to the rest of the restaurant. I kept my head down. I knew I should have given a different name, like less well-known 1990s-mid 2000s Dutch footballer Boudewijn Zenden, or almost completely forgotten 1990s-mid 2000s Dutch footballer Wim Jonk. Alternatively, I could have gone with a name not based on the Dutch World Cup squad of France 1998, but for some reason that didn’t seem like an option right now.

“…and then it hooted ‘if you need me, I live in that barn over there. I may be omniscient, but if you could point me in the direction of some mice I’d really appreciate it’.” Continued Mother Teresa.

“What? Oh, sorry, yes, the God owl.” I said, as I snapped back to the table.

The conversation faded out, and we stared at each other in silence again. Several minutes passed. “Any holidays coming up?” I asked.

“No, nothing planned.” Said Mother Teresa. The conversation faded out again.

Meat Liquor Black Forest Milkshake.jpg
Black Forest milkshake.

“Ok, look, I’m going to be honest with you.” I sighed. “I wasn’t expecting you today so I really don’t know much about you. Why don’t you tell me about your life?”

“Of course! I’d be glad to!” Said Mother Teresa. “I was born in Albania back in 1910. I always believed I had a higher purpose, to do God’s work, and so I devoted myself to a religious life from a very young age, leaving my family to pursue missionary work at the age of 18. I gave my life in service to the poor, founding the Missionaries of Charity in 1950 to care for all of those who felt unwanted, unloved or uncared for. We started with 13 of us, but by the time of my death we’d grown to over 4,000 members caring for people around the world. We opened orphanages, hospices, leper houses, at one point we even brokered a temporary peace between Israel and Palestine! In 1979 I was recognised with a Nobel Peace Prize, but the real achievement for me was always the sense of helping people and doing good.”

“Oh, wow, ok.”

“How about you?” She asked.

“Oh, you know, nothing special…” I said.

“All work has value in that it contributes to society and grants life a purpose.” Said Teresa, with a smile. “Tell me about what you do.”

“I work in advertising sales at Microsoft.” I sighed. Her face plummeted. “Have you heard of Bing?” She shook her head, which was actually a little bit of a surprise, as an 87 year-old who didn’t know how to change their default browser was typically our demographic.

“Ok, so you help charities to advertise their causes to the world?”

“Err… I guess it depends if you count Amazon as a charity.”

“The rainforest, of course!”

“Yes… the rainforest…” I said, as I gestured to the waitress to bring a shot of whisky or five.

Mother Teresa smiled a polite smile at me. Despite what she’d said, I feel like even she was slightly unsure whether my life had a purpose. Here was a woman who had devoted her life to fighting poverty, who abhorred the gluttonous greed of the wealthy who had so much when the poor had so little. It was this that made it infinitely more awkward when our food arrived.

“Ok, I’ve got some monkey fingers, a dead hippie burger, a Tower Block burger, some chilli cheese fries, onion rings, deep fried mac and cheese, hash browns, a black forest milkshake, and a classic martini?” Says the waitress, as she arrives with a feast that Henry VIII himself would be embarrassed by (I know this as we recently over-ordered at Wahaca and Henry was so mortified he left without playing Greensleeves).

“Is this ours?” Said Mother Teresa.

“Yes, it looks like they’ve made some kind of mistake with the ordering.” I said. “They must have misheard when I said ‘being alive is nourishment enough for me’. Since it’s here though, how about you have the Tower Block burger and we share the rest?”

Teresa nodded, and we began to tuck into our feast. The dead hippie burger is always a winner, juicy enough to require that the tables all be equipped with a kitchen roll, but still having enough flavour to ensure it’s not just juicy for the sake of being juicy. The mac and cheese balls too are superbly cheesy and somehow just work in the form of fried balls. The monkey fingers are good, but as a replacement for buffalo wings they do lack some of the crunch and flavour. I look over at Teresa as I take a sip of my milkshake. Her face is covered in strands of hash brown from her Tower Block burger. “Good?” I say. She nods, emphatically.

meat-liquor-chilli-cheese-fries.jpg
Green chilli cheese fries.

“Goodness, I would never have thought that a ring of onion could work so well in combination with a fried chicken burger, but somehow it does.” She says. “And this chocolate milkshake is such a blessing, so rich and chocolatey.”

“Excellent, I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” I said. We continued to crunch our way through our feast until there was nothing left.

“That was great, thankyou.” I said, as the waitress took our plates.

“Can we see the dessert menu?” Said Teresa, at this point making a bold claim to be the patron saint of food disposal.

“We’ll bring it shortly.” Said the waitress with a smile. “Is it your birthday today?”

“Me? No. Not today unfortunately.” Said Teresa.

“No, you.” She says, turning to me. “There’s a group of people over there who said it’s your birthday today.” She says, pointing. I turn to see a group of twenty Dutch football fans, all dressed in the familiar orange shirt. Oh god. “We’ve got to go.” I say to Mother Teresa, panicking as I stand up.

“Go now? But why?”

“Happy Birthday to you!” Sing the staff as they emerge from the kitchen, clutching a cake. “Happy birthday to you!” The whole restaurant begins to join in, their gaze following the staff as they begin to make their way towards the hidden celebrity. “Happy birthday, Patrick Kluivert!” They stop at our table. “Happy birthday to you!” The rest of the restaurant stops singing as everybody stares at a man who is quite clearly not Patrick Kluivert. A deathly hush descends over the restaurant, as I awkwardly blow out the candles on their signature Filth Pie, a concoction of Oreo, marshmallow, coconut and chocolate served with ice cream that I would be very excited about trying were the eyes of the restaurant not judging me for having pretended to be Euro 2000’s joint top-scorer.

“That’s not Patrick Kluivert!” Shouts a Dutch football fan.

“He’s a liar!”

“Boo!”

The entire restaurant begins to boo me, which to be honest I think is unfair, as they haven’t even read my review at this point. Without warning, Teresa stands up on a chair.

“Silence!” She shouts, the restaurant immediately quietening down. “How dare you boo this man! This man who works so hard to support the Amazon rainforest!” Again, I do not correct her. “And after all, who amongst us has not once pretended to be somebody they are not? Who amongst us has not once wished we could be somebody more famous, more confident, more impressive? So let us all forgive him, for ultimately are we not all frauds in the eyes of God?”

The restaurant nods solemnly, ashamed of themselves, and everybody sits back down to their own meals.

“That was amazing, thankyou.” I say to Mother Teresa. “You really are a saint, aren’t you? I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“I knew you weren’t Patrick Kluivert the whole time.”

“Really?”

She stands up and shows me her feet, revealing a pair of Adidas Predators. “Never judge a book by its cover.” She says, with a smile. She pulls a football from a bag and attempts to do some keepie-ups, performing them with all the skill and dexterity you’d expect of an 87 year-old Roman Catholic Saint, immediately losing her balance and crashing through a table. It seems like a fitting place to leave the review. Overall…

9/10 – Great burgers and sides.